My sheets look like a crime scene.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
