apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
