They should really pass out barf bags in church
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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