I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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