I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
