I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
