CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
