im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
