There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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