I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
