I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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