My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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