i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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