Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
