The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
