Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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