the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
