I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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