Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
