I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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