she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
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