So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
