I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
