i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize