hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
