rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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