question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
