to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
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Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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