the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
