Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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