I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
