I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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