i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
you had me at cake vodka
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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