what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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