Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
