I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
