awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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