dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
