i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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