also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
