return my video game
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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