How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
