this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
