if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
