It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
