Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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