i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
