If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
