I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
