I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
