My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
