I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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